And everything was so fucked up.
Almost 6 years mo ng ginagawa. Akala mo kaya mo na. Akala mo magaling ka na sa larangan na iyon. Pero boom, it became coco crunch! Sumablay ka. Sumablay ka sa larangan na akala mo gamay na gamay mo na.
Maaaring sa iba, napakababaw ko. Napakababaw na iyakan ang isang bagay na tulad nito. Pero sa akin, malaking bagay ang nawala. Buong buhay ko nang ginagawa to. At alam kong may talento ako dito. Pero bakit nagkaganun? Bakit parang nawala nalang siya bigla? Bakit sumablay ako sa isang bagay na gustong-gusto kong ginagawa? Ha ha ha. Nakakahiya. Nakakapanlumo. Isang piyesa na ako rin naman ang sumulat ay di ko nagawang itanghal ng maayos sa harapan.
Hindi ko alam, pero unti-unting nababawasan ang tiwala ko sa aking sarili. Paano pa sa college? Kung dyan pa nga lang sa simpleng pagtatanghal ay hindi ko na magawa ng maayos, paano pa sa kursong kinuha ko? Nakakahiya ka, Irish.
Hindi ko siya magawang kalimutan. Para akong ninakawan ng isang mahalagang bagay. Para akong sinaksak. Ang sakit.. sakit.. sakit..
It was a bright Saturday morning. The sun shines so bright that its rays scorch my skin. I was awakened by the sweat all over my body because of the heat. I tried to open my eyes but my mind won’t allow me. I wanted to stay forever from that slumber. I tried to get up but it seemed that the bed was trying its best to pull me back. However, everything was just an excuse. An excuse to accept that that day was the judgement day-cards out day. I know, I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it. It is just the releasing of cards. Yes, it is just the freaking releasing of cards. But I couldn’t get myself out of the worries and such. I wasn’t really expecting of really high grades. I didn’t give my fullest this quarter. I was the one to blame. And since I couldn’t do anything about it but to accept what I will get, then acceptance it is.
So my mom and I arrived at school at exactly 1:05 pm. That’s how agitated I am about my grades. Should I really use the word agitate for this? Nahh, maybe ‘that nervous’. Then I felt sick all of a sudden. I couldn’t breathe properly. Kidding, I was just overreacting. But really, there were butterflies on my stomach. The time came that our adviser announced the top ten of our class. I was on the 7th rank. Not bad. But not good enough. I know, you would say that I should just be thankful about it. I am really thankful, really. But, have you ever felt that certain feeling that everything is just not enough? Have you ever felt the ‘what ifs’ clouding all over your mind? That’s what I’ve felt that time. If I just tried harder then I would be better. If I just brought out the best of me, I would be satisfied. I couldn’t wash the dissatisfaction and even the disappointment away. I know, I could do better than that but I didn’t try harder. I was really disappointed of myself. I was the one to blame.
Now, another quarter, another set of grades. I swear this time I mean it, I will give my best shot on everything. I will do my best and be satisfied. I will be renewed. Yes, yes, I will do my best and give everything back to Him. Yes, yes.
Option. Option. Option.
Hi, I don’t even know why I’m typing this. I just hate how I feel being so neglected by you. I hate being an option to you. I don’t have the right to complain, I know that. It just hurts that whatever I do, I’ll forever be an option. And you know what hurts the most? I keep on pretending and telling myself that it’s better to be an option than nothing. But the truth is, it never felt right. It will never be. :(
I bought a book entitled “Divergent” by Veronica Roth. I haven’t finished the book yet but it’s interesting! :) I can see myself through Beatrice’s character. The selfish but brave. So if I’ll be part of the story, I’ll choose Dauntless too. :> I just hope I can the finish the book this week to give a decent review of it. But school sucks. It always ruin my schedule of reading my books. :(